Dementors

 My problems are like dementors. They are all black, they glide into my life without an invitation, and they make my life in hell. 

"Expecto Patronum!" that's what Harry Potter said. But in order for him to produce that patronus charm, he has to think of what makes him happy. It's called the happy thought spell. 

I tried doing that in real life. But it seems like the effect is the other way around. More and more dementors come my way. 

 I have a lot of things in mind right now. Mostly disappointments. They say, we need disappointments and problems in our life for us to have the will to live. I duno. Tell me more about it. 

These disappointments and problems exist in my life right now, give me more strength and will to give up instead of holding up. I don't know what and how to solve them one by one.

Well, maybe postpartum is one to blame I guess. I didn't know it is this hard.

My heart fuckin aches right now while writing this message. I feel so alone again. I miss myself. I miss my old self.

God help me. I don't know how to survive this.

and today, I found out something awful. The person I thought could understand me, was the person who misunderstood me the most. It hurts because the feeling when you feel like everything is okay, but it was never okay. The kind of person you thought would always ask your side of the story but ends up judging you because of other's story. The person you respect and love. 

 Today, I found out that NO ONE understands what I truly feel. Trying to hold on. But it's getting heavier and heavier each day.

So help me God.