Sowing Through the Pain

There are seasons in life where I slowly stopped giving. Not because I became selfish, but because I became tired.

I got tired of being the one who understands. 

The one who waits.

The one who forgives first.

And the one who stays soft in a world that keeps teaching people to harden.

I used to think that generosity only meant money. But the older I get, the more I realize that some of the most painful things we give are invisible.

Time.

Patience.

Effort.

Loyalty.

Late-night prayers for people who never even knew we whispered their names to God.

Pieces of ourselves handed quietly to people we loved.

And sometimes, it hurts when you feel like you gave so much only to receive so little in return.

When I get to read the passage in 2 Corinthians 9:6 (KJV), it spoke to me in a way I cannot fully explain.

"He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully."

I honestly misunderstood this verse. I thought it was only about blessings and rewards. But I believe that God was speaking about the condition of the heart. Because pain has a way of making people sow sparingly.

Like after enough disappointments, you stop opening up. You stop trusting easily. Stop loving loudly. And you become careful with your kindness because you are afraid that people will waste it again.

Trust me, I've been there.

There were moments when I wanted to protect myself so much that I slowly became emotionally distant from everyone. I convinced myself that expecting less and giving less would hurt less too.

But the reality is, when you stop sowing good things because life wounded you, your soul becomes empty as well.

Not every seed grows overnight. Some prayers take years. Some kindness returns in unexpected forms. Some love never comes back from the same people you gave it to.

But maybe, maybe that is the point. 

Maybe God asked us to give because love was never meant to survive through fear.

God wants us to continue being kind even the world becomes cold. He wants us to continue loving even after heartbreak. And to continue to believe that what is pure is never wasted.

And maybe, the "harvest" is not always material things...

It maybe healing, peace, a softer heart, and the ability to still love without becoming bitter. 

Choosing to remain genuine is already something sacred in a world where many people only give when it benefits them. 

So from now on, I pray differently.

Not: "Lord, give me more.."

But: "Lord, do not let pain turn me into someone who is afraid to love, afraid to give, afraid to care."

Because I want my life to be remembered not for how much I kept for myself, but for the seeds I planted in the lives of others, even the quiet ones nobody ever saw.

\^___^/

Well, I hope you understood what I was trying to say. I know it was a lot, but I couldn’t sleep, so I ended up writing something just to ease my mind a little.

Goodnight.