The moment I created this blog, I already accepted the fact that I would slowly become an open book.
Every word I write carries pieces of me that I once tried so hard to hide. This weblog has become part of my life because it is no longer just me who knows what I have been going through. All of you who take the time to read every piece I write have somehow become part of my journey too. You have seen fragments of my heart through paragraphs, quiet cries hidden between sentences, and thoughts I could never say out loud in real life.
Lately, I have been struggling more than I care to admit.
I realized that keeping everything inside is not healthy at all. Pretending to be okay, swallowing every emotion, and staying silent about what truly hurts me has slowly started consuming me day by day. The scary part is that I no longer react the way I used to. Terrible things that once broke me now feel normal. Being verbally hurt. Being mentally exhausted. Being emotionally drained. Somehow, I became so used to pain that I stopped questioning it.
And honestly...that scares me.
People always say, "It's okay to not be okay." But no one ever talks about how long a person can survive feeling that way. How long can someone carry heaviness in their chest before it completely changes them? How long can someone cry silently before they no longer recognize themselves?
Because I am scared.
I am scared that one day, I will wake up and no longer be the person I used to be. The soft version of me. The hopeful version of me. The person who used to smile genuinely, laugh loudly, and believe that life would eventually get better. Right now, everything feels heavy. Every day feels like a battle inside my own mind.
And the hardest part of all is being torn between leaving and staying.
Leaving the things that hurt me feels terrifying. But staying feels like slowly losing myself too.
I wish people understood how exhausting it is to fight battles inside your head while trying to look normal on the outside. Sometimes I want to disappear from everything just so the noise inside me would finally become quiet. Sometimes I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me that I do not have to carry all of this alone.
I do not really know what to do anymore.
But I think writing this is my way of asking for help without directly saying the words out loud. Maybe this blog is not just a collection of thoughts after all. Maybe this is me trying to survive. Trying to breathe. Trying to remind myself that I still exist underneath all this pain.
If you are reading this and feeling the same way, please know you are not alone.
And maybe...maybe we are all just trying to find our way back to ourselves again.
yow seriously???? you are making me cry at this wee hour of the night????? What were you thinking??? 😭😭😭😭😭😭
ReplyDeleteMy heart is so heavy!!!! why did you write this?
ReplyDelete💔
ReplyDeletethis has been one of your most emotional pieces ever written. please be ok. 🙏🏻
ReplyDeleteyou are not alone in this, even if it feels like you are🥺
ReplyDeleteYour pain turned into something beautiful through your writing...
ReplyDelete😭😭😫😫😫😫😫
ReplyDeletehey! 😞
ReplyDeleteLeave if it kills you! why are you holding on?
ReplyDeletedang gurl youve broke my heart in this
ReplyDelete😟
ReplyDeleteIt hurts me deeply to know that you are hurting.
ReplyDeleteSomehow, the heaviest kind of pain is not always our own, but the quiet ache of watching someone we care about slowly carry storms behind their smile. And you… you have always been the one who tried to hold yourself together so gracefully, even when your soul was already trembling beneath the surface.
Please be okay, June.
And if being okay feels impossible at the moment, then at least allow yourself to rest for a while. remember even the strongest oceans grow restless under endless storms, yet they still find their calm again when the winds finally soften.
Please know this with all certainty: you are not alone.
I will still be here quietly, sincerely, and willingly listening to whatever weighs upon your mind. Whether your thoughts arrive as whispers, silence, or shattered pieces of emotion, I would still stay.
I always used to tell you during our editing sessions that I disliked overly emotional articles because they lingered too long in the heart,. yet here you are, writing one yourself. Perhaps that is how pain truly works. it turns even the strongest writers into confessions.
You have spent so much time giving words to others, comforting people through your writing, carrying emotions between paragraphs so delicately that readers never realized how much of your own soul was bleeding beneath them. But who comforts the writer when the writer begins to fall apart?
So allow someone to care for you this time.
You do not always have to be the lighthouse guiding everyone else safely to shore while your own flame flickers against the dark. Sometimes, even lighthouses deserve saving too.
I am here for you, June.
Always.
How sweet of you, you seem to know this writer😄💛
Deletei believe they used to work together
Deletehello there handsome, so sweet of your words to the writer….
DeleteYou never realize how many people are silently hurting until you read something like this.
ReplyDeletefake husband is here. I finally i get to see his message
ReplyDeleteThank you for being brave enough to write this. A lot of us are silently fighting the same battles. :(
ReplyDeleteHey June, it's Jeremiah! please know that you are not alone. I truly wish I could be there with you right now, just to comfort you and sit beside you through all of this. Sometimes I wish I had some sort of magic door that could bring me to you within seconds. This piece is far too deep and painful to simply read and move on from. I honestly wish I could take even a little bit of your worries and sadness away. It hurts knowing that you are carrying so much on your own. But tell me, why are you still staying there if you are struggling this much? Come to London. Let yourself breathe for a while. You deserve peace, warmth, and people who will hold your heart gently.
ReplyDeletesome readers here are weird….do they know she’s married?
ReplyDeleteI can’t let her go. And yes, I know she’s married. I know how wrong it sounds, and perhaps it is. But I’ve loved her for far too long to simply switch it off as though it never mattered.
DeleteMaybe the mistake was never loving her, but loving someone I could never truly have. Call me selfish if you like, but I cannot bring myself to walk away. Not when every part of me still chooses her, even knowing she was never meant to be mine.
????? Are you crazy???
DeleteI guess I am.
Deletethat’s terrible to hear. you are only hurting yourself…have you tried to follow her on facebook? please dude, don’t break a good Christian family…..
Deleteyes they do dear.. they just care so much for her. I mean who wouldn’t? Even i feel the same way. I care so much of this writer through her writings, and even if I dont know her personally….
ReplyDeleteok I understand but their words are kinda weird for a comment to a married, devoted Christian writer. 🤦♀️
ReplyDeletefor me there is nothing wrong with their comments dear..its just they care for her well being…
ReplyDeletewhy am i crying ???????!!!!
ReplyDeleteI felt every single word😫
ReplyDeletedon’t lose yourself please🙏🏻
ReplyDeleteThey don’t deserve you. 😭😭
ReplyDelete😭😫please I beg you!dont write something like this especially at this hour coz i cant have a swollen eyes in the morning
ReplyDeleteAhhhhhhhhhhhhh why? T_______T
ReplyDeleteif staying means losing yourself June, then LEAVE! don’t be a martyr
ReplyDeleteWHY are you agonizing yourself by staying??
ReplyDeletei really dont like these kind of articles from you. you are too good at writing, and most of the time, i have difficulty of moving on after reading them 💔😔
ReplyDeleteof course my favorite writer, you are an open book. You struggle, we struggle! we are your readers, of course whatever you feel, we also feel...if your articles are happy, and so are we....you are not alone in this. we are here for you.... rest if you can, and don't loose yourself in this...you are one of the best writers I have encountered and I love every bit of it....so please, you can do this...we don't know each other but I feel like I know you more because of how you write.... always believe that everything is going to be OK. alright? cheer up love...
ReplyDeleteLET IT ALL OUT! DON’T HIDE WHAT YOU FEEL! (HUG YOU)🥺
ReplyDelete