Messy Thoughts from a Semi-Functional Human

I would like to begin by clarifying one thing: I am technically functioning. I wake up (eventually), I go to work, I answer messages, sometimes days later and I keep myself alive with a combination of caffeine, overthinking, and pure spite. By all definitions, that counts as semi-functional.

My brain, however, is a different story.

Inside my head is a chaotic group chat where every thought talks at once. One moment I'm planning my entire future, career goals, financial stability, inner peace, and the next I'm aggressively replaying something embarrassing I said in 2010. No transitions. No warning. Just emotional whiplash. 

I will be washing dishes and suddenly think "Wow, what if I'm actually the problem?" Then immediately after "Should I eat tonight?" This is what personal growth looks like now, apparently.

I have lists. Soooo many lists. To-do lists, grocery lists, life goal lists. None of them are completed. I write them to feel productive, then reward myself with a nap for the emotional effort. My brain considers "thinking about doing something" as good as actually doing it. We are still negotiating. 

Okay let's talk about motivation. Mine shows up randomly, unannounced, usually in between 3-4am. And then I suddenly decide I will wake up at 5am, pray, drink coffee, water, write something on this blog site, fix my life, and become unrecognizable. By morning, that version of me has vanished like a scammer after one message. 

And yet, somehow, I manage. I laugh. I show up at work despite not wanting to. I keep going. Even with messy thoughts, unfinished plans, and a brain that refuses to calm down, I am still here, doing my best with what I have. Which, on some days, is the bare minimum, and that is still valid.

So, here's to all the semi-functional humans out there: the ones who are tired but trying, chaotic but caring, confused but still moving forward. We may not have it together, but we have personality, resilience, and at least one coping mechanism that probably isn't healthy. 

And honestly? That counts for something.