Death Note

I have always been warned long before about the dark side manners of these Saudi people. Specifically teenagers. Yes. You're right. I am now stereotyping.

It's not that I didn't believe neither disregard their premonitory but because I was too confident enough that I can handle myself and I was holding onto my old experiences that nothing has ever happened since I came here two years ago. But indeed, I was wrong. I was very very wrong. And they were right. You can never can tell. 

I have never been so horrified in my entire life. The feeling that you're having a sudden severe tachycardia, when all you can feel is that your heartbeat's been dribbling so fast, so fast that you couldn't even ran with it and then suddenly your racing heart just stopped. And when it stopped, so does your body.

I just stood there numb with fear. Holding my dunkin donut hot choco plastic container, I can feel my face burning and my hands were shaking. All I could think that time is that I need something to drive them away from me. So, i took a small stone pretending it was a big one and factitiously threw it towards them. At first, they hesitated to sneak up but when they realized it was a hoax, it drove them more to get closer. I tried to focus what to do so I run along as fast as I could and ignored them. And from that time on, I have realized one important thing. I heard them nearing me and abruptly felt someone was already in. (good thing was I covered myself with my umbrella) One hatchet-faced teenager knocked my umbrella off and I almost fell down by a haymaker. 

I swear I wanted to punch his fucked up face but I was thinking if I do this, it will just trigger everything. I saw one more of them inside, opened the car as if so freakin ready to abduct me. And since they weren't still satisfied of what they did, one of the hatchet-face began saying "abaga sex?! abaga sex?!" and with all the brushing of my hair. 

"Abaga" in the saudi language means like if you want or something if you like. Damn. This is what they've been warning about. The dark secret of these people. I never thought of it. It doesn't matter if your good looking or not, they don't really care even if it's under the middle of the scorching heat of the sun, well how much more with the cold winter days. If the devil really pushed them that far, sure I will never escape. 

After I picked up my umbrella, looking confident that I will strike it off to them, they ran away not so far from me, so I took the chance to dash off as far as I go. I was already one turn away from my building and I felt some relief that there was someone on the lane fixing his bike. He was around on mid 50's and I told him three men were following me. I wasn't really sure he understood my arabic because confusion spread across his face. Maybe when he realized what I was talking about, he followed my gaze and spoke to the three fucked up men on their language. The only word I understood was "Haram". They left without a word (of course) and heard their car madly screeching away from my distance. I never bothered to look. I thanked him for his good deed and rushed my way out til our apartment building came to a view. 

My heart felt at ease when I saw ate Jeddyza (one of my friends and a colleague) outside of the building who seemed to notice me and felt sooo relieved when I finally reached the door. My hands were still shaking like on a 4.7 magnitude. I wanted to cry but it seemed like I was still too unnerved of what just happen. 

I will never ever forget this day and will never ever ignore this experience. That ordeal will forever  be remembered coz it could have been my life's death "note". I could have been abducted, been raped, left my body somewhere far on a deserted place and of course, dead.

I prayed and thank God for the guidance and the protection he bestowed upon me that day. I believed he did. And it wasn't my day yet. Perhaps.

Sure, you will never know when life knocks you down. Even if you're used to being safe walking alone even before, it is NEVER a FACT that you will extricate the endangerment ahead of you.

and of course, those 3 hatchet-faced are already registered on my deepest never forgotten memory. Very soon, they will received their karma.

28.08.17/0927H/Near trial court building, 

Abi Dujanah Street As Salam.

Let it All Out

You're mad? Then get mad! Don't keep it all inside. LET IT ALL OUT!

I always have this bad habit of keeping feelings suppressed and kept locked inside of me. Believe me I was never like this before. Unlike previously, I was the kind of person who makes people pique because of being so blabby and straightforward, enough for them to hate me so much because I was too frank and I say everything what's inside my mind whether it was good or bad. Some would say I am too brutally honest or I have no control or I make things complicated. Everyone was scared to pissed me. But trust me, expletives were never part of it. I kinda missed it sometime though, nonetheless I am totally a different person now. Probably except if I am too stressed or my migraine visits sometimes, i am possessed by the old me. 

Distinctively, I am a crybaby. I became an extremely sensitive person. I didn't know how and why it happened. It just happened. Unlike now, I easily get offended. I exasperate people because of being hypersensitive. I would be very hypocrite if I say don't keep it all inside, let it all out. 

But If you feel like crying, just cry like you've never cried before. If it'll make you feel good, if it'll lighten your heavy wounded heart or if you have carried a way too long resentment, then cry. Just cry your heart out till you cry no more. 

We've all hit that point of exhaustion. The point where nothing makes sense anymore. Your body hurts, your brain becomes foggy, and you feel like you're trapped in a tunnel. When all you want, is to cry. 

But tell me how do you keep going? How do you not just sit down and give up? Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes you play games in your head. You make up someone. Someone good. Whatever you need. To keep you going.

It came to a point that I exploded. All the things being suppressed and kept for a very long time wasn't able to hold me anymore no matter how tight and strangled it was inside of me. It just happened. I just let it all out. I wasn't adept enough to grasp it anymore. I was slipping out. I shocked all the people around me. When I had enough, I was so terrified. That's why, don't. Don't keep it all inside. It is very important that you know this. 

Keeping all things inside won't make you a better you. Be you in a way where you open your heart and mind for a change.  It could be hard for the first time, it really is hard but Im pretty sure you can traverse. Like if you're mad, then get mad. Don't keep it inside. Let it all out.