When Charm Isn't Character

There are people you meet in life who arrive like sunlight. Warm, bright, and almost too easy to trust. And then, slowly, like a shadow stretching at dusk, something shifts.

I once knew someone like that.

At first, everything about them felt effortless. They spoke with confidence, laugh easily, and carried stories like polished stones; smooth and convincing. But over time, I began to notice the cracks beneath the shine. Words did not always align with actions. Truth bent just enough to make you question your own memory.

It reminded me of what the Bible say:

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways" - James 1:8 (KJV)

Instability is subtle at first. It disguises itself as misunderstanding, as busyness, as coincidence. But patterns don't lie. When someone's character is questionable, it's rarely because of one mistake and it's the repetition that reveals it.

There is a kind of grief in realizing that someone you wanted to believe in, may not be who they presented themselves to be. It feels like betrayal, even if no dramatic offense occurred. 

Scripture warns gently but clearly:

"He that walketh uprightly walketh surely: but he that perverteth his ways shall be known." - Proverbs 10:9 (KJV)

Character always reveals itself. Maybe, not immediately. Maybe, not loudly. But SURELY.

I wrestled with myself once again. I asked if I was being judgmental. If I was too sensitive. If I expected too much. But I believe, discernment is not cruelty. In fact, it protected me.

The Bible also reminds us:

"Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners." - 1 Corinthians 15:33 (KJV)

I become like what I tolerate. I slowly excused what once disturbed me. And without realizing it, it lowered my standards just to maintain proximity. 

So I stepped back.

Not with anger or resentment. Not with any dramatic confrontation. 

Just quiet distance.

Because peace is more valuable than any other things for me right now. Because once you lose my trust, nothing will ever be the same. 

This acquaintance taught me something important. Charm is not character. Words are not integrity. And familiarity is not loyalty. 

In the end, I prayed for wisdom more than approval. To ask God not only for kind people in my life, but for truthful ones.

And perhaps, most importantly, to examine my own heart too.

Because it is so easy to write about someone else's questionable character.

It is harder, and holier, to guard my own.

Torn Between Fighting Back and Letting Go

I used to fight back when I was younger. I wasn't the kind of girl who quietly sat in a corner when something went wrong. Oh no. My heart and soul would ignite the second I felt disrespected. If something was off, I was already off with it.

My best friend, Joanna, used to call me "the expressive one." Back in college, if there was a riot somewhere on campus, she'd assume I was probably in the middle of it, not necessarily throwing punches, but definitely throwing words. Passionate words. Dramatic words. Possibly words that required censoring.

The old me? She was built like, "You want war? I'll bring the soundtrack."

But somewhere along the way, that girl slowly drifted off. No dramatic exit. No resignation letter. She just...faded. One day I realized I had become quiet. Suspiciously quiet.

Now when people disrespect me, drag my name, throw subtle insults, or straight-up call me names, I just stand there like a calm monk who accidentally wandered into chaos.

I. Just. Keep. Quiet.

It's almost funny. The old Junalie would've delivered a TED talk on Why You're Wrong and Possibly Embarrassing. The current version? She blinks. She nods. She goes home and eat snacks.

And here's the strange part: I still get upset. I cry. I feel hurt. But the rage? Gone. The resentment? Missing. Even my inner voice forgot how to curse. I used to have a vocabulary that could set a building on fire. Now, I can’t even summon a mild insult in my thoughts. 

One person asked me, "Why are you letting yourself be treated like this?"

Good question. I'd also like to know.

Recently, I had a bad encounter with someone I can't confidently call a friend. Let's just say "acquaintance with questionable character." I've been patient for so long, but that day I reached my boiling point.

And by boiling point, I mean I cried...silently.

I was upset. Deeply. But here's the twist: I couldn't hate the person.. I tried. I searched for anger like it was misplaced car keys. Nothing. Just...disappointment.

Meanwhile, another voice (probably the ghost of College Junalie) whispered, "Fight back. If you keep allowing this, they'll think it's okay." 

And she's not wrong.

If you constantly absorbed disrespect without reaction, people might assume you're made of emotional shock absorbers. Spoiler alert: I am not.

So now I'm torn.

Do I fight back and resurrect the expressive queen? Or do I let go and preserve my peace like a mature, evolved human being who drinks water and minds her business?

Here's what I'm starting to realize: silence is not always weakness. Sometimes it's control. Sometimes it's growth. And sometimes it's just exhaustion from arguing with people who have the emotional depth of a teaspoon.

The old me fought because she had something to prove. The new me stays quiet because she has nothing to prove.

But quiet doesn't mean passive. Letting go doesn't mean allowing abuse. Peace doesn't mean permitting disrespect. 

Maybe the real glow-up isn't choosing war or silence. Maybe it's knowing when to speak with precision and when to walk away like a classy villain in slow motion.

So no, I don't think something is wrong with me.

I think I'm evolving.

And if I ever do decide to fight back?

Trust me.

I still remember how.

A Letter To God

Today, marks a quiet but powerful milestone in my life: I finally finished reading the Old Testament. 

For the past six months, I walked through it day by day, sometimes only a chapter, sometimes a few, until, at last, I reached the final page. And as simple as that sounds, it feels anything but small. It feels sacred.

Dear Lord God, 

Thank You, for the desire You placed in my heart, for the strength You gave me on days I felt tired, and for the Spirit that carried me through every page. Through every chapter, I came to know You more deeply. I saw how endless Your mercy is. How immeasurable Your love is, not just for the faithful, but for humanity as a whole.

Through Your Word, I learned who You are. I learned Your ways, Your statues, Your commandments. I get to know Your rage and Your justice, Your discipline and Your forgiveness. I get to know how time and time again, people turned away from You, made the same mistakes, broke the same promises, grieved Your heart over and over again. And yet...You still called them back.

"Turn to Me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning."

-Joel 2:12

And every time, they were forgiven.

And somewhere along those pages, You began refining me. Quietly. Gently. Sometimes, painfully. You reshaped my heart into something stronger, something more honest. Even now, I am still in awe of the transformation You have done in my life.

There were days during this journey when I felt overwhelmed by emotions. I couldn't explain. I faced challenges, troubles, and inner battles I never expected. In my prayers, I asked You to let me walk the righteous path because I wanted, truly wanted, to follow You. But instead of peace, I felt pulled into seasons of sadness, anger, disappointment, and confusion.

I questioned You. I questioned myself. I didn't understand. 

But now I see it, You allowed it because You were preparing me.

When I look back, I realize I am stronger than I've ever been. My faith in You has grown beyond measure. You taught my heart how to endure, how to stand firm, how to trust even when nothing made sense. You made me confident not in myself, but in You. And somehow, through it all, You made me love You even more. 

Lord, my deepest desire is to be in Your kingdom someday.

Thank You for giving me the chance to read the Bible while I am still alive. 

What an honor. What a gift to be among those who get to know Your story, Your heart, Your truth, And this is not the end. I still have a long journey ahead of me. 

I still have the New Testament waiting.

Thank You for the gift of life.

Thank You for bringing me into this world.

Thank You for allowing me to experience Your creation.

And most of all Lord, thank You for giving me the chance to know You.

I love you with all my heart.

With love, 

Junalie

Thinking About Death

Some nights, death sits beside me.

Not loudly. Not threateningly. Just present. It shows up when the room is dark and the world feels still, when my thoughts slow down enough for truth to catch up with me. I don't invite it, but I don't always push it away anymore.

I used to be afraid of even thinking about death. Now I realize it wasn't death I feared. It was the unknown. The thought of leaving things unfinished. Of people I love standing in places where I once was. Of silence where my voice used to be.

The Bible says: "So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom" -Psalm 90:12 (KJV)

Tonight, that verse feels less like a warning and more like a prayer. Teach me, Lord. Teach me how to live knowing this life is temporary without becoming afraid of it.

There are moments when my faith feels steady, and moments when it feels fragile. I don't always feel brave. Sometimes, I just feel human. And I'm learning that God is not offended by my honesty.

Jesus wept.

Two words. Heavy with meaning.

"Jesus wept." -John 11:35 (KJV)

If He allowed Himself to grieve, then my tears are not failures. They are proof that I love deeply, that I feel deeply. Grief is not a lack of faith, it is faith stretched thin.

I think about death, and strangely, it teaches me how to live. It reminds me to be softer. To let go of anger faster. To stop postponing love as if time is unlimited. Tomorrow is not promised, but grace still is.

"For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." -Philippians 1:21 (KJV)

I don't fully understand that verse yet. Some days I believe it with confidence. Other days, I whisper it like a question. But tonight, I choose to trust that death is not an ending. It's a crossing.

"I am the resurrection, and the life." -John 11:25 (KJV)

If that is true, and I believe it is, then death is not something to run from. It is something already defeated.

So tonight, I write this not to glorify death, but to make peace with it. To remind myself that while my life is fragile, my hope is not. And when my final breath comes, whenever that may be, I pray it carries trust instead of fear.

Until then, I will live.

I will love.

I will believe.

And I will leave the rest in God's hands.

When I Asked to Walk With God, and the Ground Gave Way

 

One of my prayers every night is this:

"Lord, give me a chance to walk with You. To follow You completely. To walk in the righteous path."

And then, for days, everything unraveled.

Instead of clarity, I was handed struggle after struggle. My patience was stretched until it tore. The deepest core of my emotions was crushed, ground down until I no longer recognized myself. It felt like I was dragged into the lowest pit, a place where light barely reached. Negative thoughts swarmed me, relentless and suffocating, until there came a moment when I didn't want answers anymore. I just wanted to disappear.

I was shaken to my core.

I cried out to God with no polish left in my words. 

"Why am I feeling like this?" 

"Why is all of this happening now, when my faith in You is stronger than ever?"

"I asked for a chance to walk with You, so why does the path like thorns, stones, and rubble cutting into my feet?"

I didn't understand. I still don't understand, at least not fully.

Then came my dream.

I can't remember every detail, only the weight of it. I was standing on the edge of a deep cliff. Beside me stood a man in a long white robe. We were looking down as buildings, massive rocks, cars, entire structures were being swallowed whole, pulled into destruction as if the ground itself had given up. Then everything shifted into chaos.

I wasn't part of it. I was only an observer.

I stood on a rock as floodwaters surged below. In the water lay a young female child; naked, lifeless, her long hair spread around her, placed on a cardboard box like something discarded. And I did nothing. I just stood there, watching. Unable to move. Unable to save. Awake inside the dream, but powerless.

When I woke, I told myself it was just another strange dream. Lately I've been having many.

But later, standing alone in the bathroom, a thought struck me with terrifying clarity:

God is testing me.

Not in comfort, but in descent.

Not by lifting me up but by dragging me down to the lowest point, to see how deep my faith truly goes when there is nothing left to hold onto.

Because I have always said I wanted to follow Him completely.

And following Him was never promised to be easy.

I thought of the story of Job, how faith is not proven in abundance, but in loss. How righteousness is not revealed in safety, but in suffering. Maybe this is only the beginning. Maybe there are still more trials ahead. More stripping. More silence. More moments when God feels impossibly far, even as He is closest.

I don't know if I am strong.

I don't know if I am ready.

All I know is that I asked to walk with Him, and now I am learning that walking with God does not always mean walking on solid ground. Sometimes it means walking through collapse, through grief, through questions with no immediate answers.

And still choosing not to turn back.